Dear Diary:: Day 11 of crappy holiday musik. I've begun a nervous breakdown::officially. I am having dreams that this man--Santa Clause? Is REAL. Nightmares that he knows my sleeping habits, whether i'm good or bad... He breaks into my house via fireplace, gets burned, then breaks into my pantry for cookies. It gets worse::he is lactose intolerant and clogs up our toilet.
Then when he attempts to escape via fireplace, he acquires third degree burns and sues us... I better get a good lawyer, this morbidly obese, fashion faux pas, name calling man (if i said ho ho ho, i'd be in trouble for defamation of character!) NEEDS to be taken down.
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